I woke up this morning with the thought. “I don’t have to.”
I endured many cancellations and postponements this month of November. Starting off with that horrible climate-change-driven Hurricane Superstorm Sandy or whatever it can be called. A giant white eye-cloud that literally ate the Shore area and changed the landscape. Among some of the changes was the home of a dear friend. This dear friend had also endured many postponements and cancellations. And not been in touch, in person, in a position to be felt personally, for over a year.
Hence, when the invitation came, I was pleased and flattered at first. Then I was worried. Then I was angry, then I was reasonable. With myself. Be reasonable, I am thinking. I have many many commitments that I enjoy, that I look forward to. I also have some physical and some family problems that I am dealing with.
And ultimately, if I were to see this person for whom this invitation was sent, I would not only not recognize them, but they surely would not know who I am, and they would not be someone I can relate to. Not with the emotional and physical absence of her mother, with whom I had a chance at friendship.
Nevertheless, I woke up almost in a dreamlike decisional state. I don’t have to subject myself to a ceremony that I don’t feel is going anywhere. I am feeling that I would be a blip on the horizon. I would be a token old lady hippy pagan only there to bestow token blessings on a child that will never be in my presence again. She herself would become a blip on the horizon.
I may see her in a crowd of her peers some day, at a mall, out of the corner of my eye and think to myself, gee, that looks like a woman I used to know, so-and-so.
So I made my decision. Better to deal with my own family, try to mend the bridges, heal the scars and look to the future, because there is something to be said about tending your own garden.